His Timing for my Good

God's provision comes in His timing - not based on our need, but for His glory.

Sometimes, it is simply for us to acknowledge His ability and our own inability. Sometimes it is to fulfill a grander plan that we cannot see or understand. Sometimes it is simply for us to be 'yanked back to Him'. Either way - waiting is good for the soul. Produces perseverance.

Who said faith was for weaklings?

10 years. 10 homes.

Boy, do I relate to this!

The Opposite of Love is not Hate...but Fear.

I visited my housemate’s church today and heard the above line. I won’t go into the nuances of the sermon taught by a guest preacher Gene Robinson on a topic which deserves an entire blog post of its own: homosexuality and the Christian church. He threw the above-mentioned line in response to the question of how to respond to those in the church who show retribution against the LGBT community. The line above stuck with me today and has given me much to think about...I could write a book!

For starters, what is love really? Who are the subjects of my love? Both questions have been answered for me in the Bible. The what: The Bible tells me Love is supposed to be sacrificial and focused on the needs of others and not my own. The who: my biggest imperative as a follower of Jesus is to love God and to love people in my life. But what does it mean to love God? An entity that I haven't seen but simply believe exists. And how do I really love people? Especially when my social construct and definition of love may be different from those around me.

However - this is not a post about Love. It's about Hate and Fear. The preacher went to speak about homosexuality - a topic that makes my mind normally spin in 10-million directions - but today my mind was riveted on to this: When am I most prone to hate? What things am I bitter about? Why do those feelings arise? Who causes those emotions to arise? Is it things like hunger, poverty, oppression and war in some far off land? Or is it when something close to my heart hits home.

And what is hate anyway? Is it a bitter feeling against an event or a person? Webster defines hate as an intense feeling of dislike and hostility. Most of us are uncomfortable using the word 'hate' against people - as it denotes too strong an emotion, and perhaps we want to be perceived as balanced, rational beings. In fact, as I write this - I wonder - is there any thing or person that I actually hate? I cannot think of one person that I hate. However, to be completely candid, there are people who are not high on my favorite-people-list. Do I hate them? No. Do I have a hard time loving them? Yes.

While I deeply care about many issues especially that which relates to injustice and inequality even in far-off international settings and I hate - for example corporate money-making machines that exploit poor people in sweat shops and I hate people who fuel the market for child pornography and the sex industries in places like Mumbai and Bangkok, I find that I am most prone to 'hate' when feeling slighted by those that claim to care for me and that I care for. Family who are a part of my human existence and friends who make my social being a reality.

And so - what is it in my struggle to love someone that inspires this 'hate'? A sense of injury is usually tied to this 'hate'. I couldn't care less if a stranger off the street said or did something mean towards me. But if family/friend failed me, it is often difficult to love them. I often have to relearn how to love again instead of holding onto hate.

Today - I understood for the first time the notion that fear can be tied to hate. That fear of self and fear of man could drive the underlying sense of injury which then leads to 'hate'. Instead of loving someone, I am fearful and afraid of what they could do to me, and how they could crush me at my most vulnerable state. How is it that the Fear of Man cripples us so much so that we choose to hold onto 'hate' instead of looking beyond the immediate and choosing to love?

(sigh) I don't know. My responses towards others are conditioned from years of interacting with other human beings. As self-aware as I try to be, I'll likely still do both - love and hate. It's part of my innate human nature, I suppose. However - as I learn more and more how to be like Jesus, I hope that I can let go of my fear and learn to love others well.

For all you single Mac lovers!

Okay..what will Apple come up with next?!

Why we have earthquakes

AP file photo

So..this is why we've been having so many earthquakes lately. Apparently, women can make the earth move! ;-)

DC Life

So folks, I'm now in DC! My endless roaming around this planet has to come to an end someday...and it shall soon, but for the next few months, I'll bask in our nation's capital. It's weird place, I must say. Here's some random observations to date:

• DC's Metro is incredibly efficient! After living in Boston, it seems to be almost sinful to have a subway announce it's arrival in spans of minutes!
• Speaking of the Metro, I love the architecture of the underground stations. Very snazzy. Although, I'm not the biggest fan of the LONG escalators going down underground. My fear of heights come in full-swing every morning!
• Black. It's everywhere. This city has NO sense of style! Aiy..yai..yai. Everyone wears black coats, black suits, black heels, black skirts, black everything! I mean, don't get me wrong, I think black is cool. But come ON, people! Where's the sense of style and color?! I'm no fashionista but I do like to look pretty. Almost felt like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde in my non-black clothes.
• Clean. In contrast to some of the places, I've lived in - this seems to be one of the cleanest cities. In fact, it's a sin to eat or drink on the Metro! I remember landing in New York from India and walking around in Harlem and thinking THAT was clean. Ha!
• Personalities. I haven't quite made up my mind on this one yet. Still wanting to be proven wrong on my initial assessment that DC attracts certain personalities. And it's almost incestuous how everything is related to politics and development. I'm so not sure about wanting to be a part of that world...
• Layout of the city. The grid of the roads and the layout of the city is incredible. Makes it easy for newcomers to find their way around.
• Spring in DC is BEAUTIFUL!! :)

We'll see. This city is yet to woo my little heart. Will keep y'all updated.

Quotable Quotes

Random sentences that have made me laugh..

If I can navigate around cows and dogs and their respective poops in India, I can make it in anywhere!

- ha!

You just don't stink. You stank! (insert ghetto accent)

- my sister's trying to tell me something.

You are so much more than a grant-proposal. You are a person!

- an attempt to cheer up a friend

You don't know John Legend??! Have you been living in a cave? Oh..wait, India IS a cave!

- again, my sister trying to say something. (I'm ignoring her..ha!).

Devina: What day is it? The fourth?
Emily: Yup, the fourth.
Devina: Of July?
Emily: That's a holiday. You know if you weren't brown, I would think you were a blonde.

- enough said.

Devina (singing at the top of her voice): Sweet Alabama... oops, I mean Carolina.
Emily: You mean Sweet Caroline?"

- Again, enough said.

Oh...how much I missed thee.

Dear Cinammon Swirl Bread, It is good being reunited with you. Sincerely, me.

....and in no particular order, some things that I have enjoyed this week since I got back from India...

1. Cinnamon Swirl bread (the Pepperidge Farm kind..with Smart Balance butter! Yum!)

2. Plush couches (the kind that you can actually sleep on!)

3. Hot showers with water pressure that actually creates wind in the shower!

4. Dark green salads out of a bag that won't make me sick

5. Phone customer service representatives that actually know what they're doing

6. A kitchen! To make my own food - just the way I like it. (not that I've actually done any cooking thus far)

7. Momma's tender loving care. Got sick on the trip back and have been unwell since I landed. Its nice to be taken care of..

8. Basil-mozarella-tomato sandwich. Been eating this non-stop! You'd think I'd want some meat. Go figure.

9. TP in public bathrooms. Gone are the days where I carry my own personal stash of TP everywhere I go.

10. Netflix. I can play catch-up on my TV-less state and watch some good ol' movies/TV while sipping on whatever culinary goodness my mother conjures up to nurse me back to health.

11. Internet. I get to use 'unlimited' internet as opposed to 'pay-per-use internet'. Which means, I get to stalk friends gloriously on facebook when I should be job-searching ;)

...in short, I'm a fallible human being with a propensity to be gravitated towards the luxuries of life in America. Yes, living in India was wonderful - for all the experience had to offer. But being back is good, too. :)

Things I’m thankful for

“Black Friday sale!” “75% off deals” “Save..save..save”

These were just a few of the emails that landed in my inbox this week. Reminded me of another world approximately 10-13hrs behind my current time-zone. A world where shopping and buying and accumulating ‘stuff’ takes over the minds of every sane person.

I feel like I’m in an alternative world right now. I mean, as I’m typing this – there are children dying of diarrhea (a relatively simple disease with low-cost remedies) and there are people spending enough money on gift-wrap that could feed an entire family for months.

Living in India definitely has its ups and downs – I can’t seem to get past that. At times, I feel at home here. And many days I can’t wait to get out of here. I’ve definitely grown in different ways and alternatively there are things that have remained stagnant. But this post is not about the crazy thought-world of Devina. It is about the holidays.

While I feel like I’m a world away from the holiday season (India doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving – which marks beginning of the craziness that is the Christmas holiday season with all it’s commercial glory), I am also looking deeper to realize what the holidays mean to me.

While I have actually traditionally hated Christmas since I moved to the US, (I could write a whole another blog post on why!), this holiday season – I’m reminded of so many things to be grateful for. I’ll attempt to list a few here – in no particular order.

• My mother: I could write a book on her life and all the lessons that she’s taught me.
• My sister – my little sister is one of my best friends. Though we hardly talk much – the little Googlie bear is growing up fast and teaching me a lot.
• My life in the US: I appreciate the niceties in the US – living in India has taught me to appreciate even the simplest things like hot showers, clothes dryers, green salads and clean water.
• My friends – I have people in my life that I call my own at varying levels of intimacy. I pray for a lot of them on a regular basis and am grateful for them.
• The opportunity to travel – I have been blessed to grow up in a developing country, move to a more developed country and have an opportunity to go back to work in a developing country. While the upheaval with each move was not easy, I wouldn’t trade my life for anything.
• Ability to speak four languages – I’m SO grateful for my language skills, and ability to pick up languages, especially in India! It comes in useful when haggling with the auto-rickshaw drivers. Ha!
• Spices: I love to cook! Mainly because I love food. I’m lazy about cooking for myself – but love to entertain and have people over. Living in India has been in living in food heaven! I’ve been tantalized with every possible spice combination!
• Education: There was a time that I would have laughed if you told me that I’d one-day have a masters degree. I’m grateful for the schooling that I have received. Especially when I see how much thirst for knowledge is there in the people around me.
• My Lord and Savior Jesus: who continues to be there for me in spite of who I am. Who teaches me on a regular basis how to live fully, how to laugh often and how to love sacrificially.

I hope that this year's holiday season is a meaningful one for you – wherever you may be. Either sitting in cold wintery weather, or hot sunny tropical weather. I hope you are able to take a few breaths and step back from the commercialization that the holidays have become and look around you. As Mahatma Gandhi once said, ‘Whenever you’re faced with a doubt/difficulty, look into the face of the weakest/most vulnerable person that you may encountered. Ask yourself - is my next step going to benefit them or better their life?’. Things will be clear and you'll learn how much you really DO have..

Happy Thanksgiving!

Acclimation and identity

Two months! I just said to a friend! It’s been two months since I got off the plane and landed in Bangalore, India! I don’t know where time has flown, but I can say this one thing: It’s been fun! Full of ups and downs, but fun nonetheless.

Living in India has definitely taught me a lot – I normally do a lot of thinking and contemplating about things on a day to day basis, but being here has kicked my thinking cap into over-drive, much to the consternation of my close friends who have been great sounding boards during my time here. While I try to figure out this first-time-living-overseas-without-my-family-thing, I have appreciated SO much all of you who have called/emailed/facebooked and sent me thoughts in every so often in every small way.

While I am acclimating to life here, understanding my role at work a bit better, getting to meet new people, I still miss home a lot. It’s funny because I never considered America as home...I always thought Kenya as home. Perhaps it is because I have never stayed in one place long enough to strike down roots, or perhaps because I never identified myself as American.

Strangely enough, I do think a lot like an American. In my interactions here with Indians, I do come across as an American. And while I completely get the Indian mentality and way of doing things and even though I introduce myself as a Kenyan living in the US, perhaps a little bit of the US of A has rubbed off on me. And I’m learning that that is okay. (Talk about tri-cultural confusion!)

And while I am enjoying being here, and experiencing all the new places that I get to see (India is SUCH a beautiful country!), all the new people and cultures that I get to interact with (I get to hang out with Singaporean, Filipino, Swiss, Rwandan, Tanzanian AND Chilean people at my church!), I still look forward to going home.

Perhaps it is because my family – my closest people – are over there now. And home is always where the heart is…

As I write this, I am listening to one of my favorite artists – A.R. Rahman. In the background, I hear the dogs barking, the train hooting, and the cars honking. Life here definitely has its fair share of chaos, and India is a great testament to that! But I maintain that there’s peace in the midst of the chaos. Learning to look for that peace in the middle of the chaos can be challenging at times. Especially when nothing seems to go well. But learning to take each day as it comes and live it to the fullest is worth doing.

More random musings later…

Deriving significance...

Someone made a comment on my blog, so I went today on the site (after a month's hiatus!) to skim over some of my old posts. It’s been a while since I posted my thoughts online. I still need to write on my experiences in the motherland, but first here’s some randomness from today. I reread this post, and something in the second-last para (labeled as 'Listen') got me thinking…

Most of us are active, social people. I speak for those of us who are extroverts who thrive in the go-go nature of life. When we're not doing something productive and not surrounded by people, we tend to get down and out.

Being in India is really getting me out of my element and comfort zone. I'm SO used to being go-go-go all the time. Used to being Miss Efficient. I've always kept busy; love being challenged, and learning new things. This, being in India, away from all things familiar is not easy. Not having 10 million things to do on a daily basis is not easy – don’t even have Internet at home to keep me occupied! (I worked at a full-time job and went to grad school, for crying out loud!) Being in a land where things take an average of 3.5 times longer is not easy. (For example, it took me 5 weeks to get a bank account set up!)

But…I am learning lots here. Learning to sit still...learning to listen...to myself...to others around me. Mostly, I am learning how to depend wholly on my Lord. And find my significance only from Him. Not from people – my family and friends. Not from the work of my hands (macbook?)

I have to admit – it’s not easy to do this. We’re SO results-orientated. At work, we set targets and measure outputs. We’re always ‘delivering’. We measure impact and improve systems and processes. We often feel good about ourselves when we’ve had ‘productive days’. I wonder, is this how we relate to one another? Do our expectations of people derive from the same ‘results’ nature of things? Do we measure friendships with how much we got back?

I suspect that the lesson of deriving significance only from Him is going to be a life-long one. It’s a journey – one with many dips and turns, but when all else fails me, the One who teaches me on a daily basis to live to the fullest, laugh often and love sacrificially, never will.

More on India later!

Back to business!

Ok...so, little did I know that things would work out so fast! A friend of mine once called it 'Holy ease'. When things that are meant to happen actually happen. They simply flow. Sort of like a river that takes turns and bends on its course. Not in the way that we thought they would but in other ways that are even more wonderful.

Short story: I got my visas! And am actually going to desiland! And they worked out in ways better than I thought. Getting excited again - but this time - it's a more sedate sort of an excitement. More like, 'Hmm..I'm going away for a little bit. Not bad.' Am looking forward to learning all manner of things. From the fact that I really should stick to bottled water, since my immune system has gone floppy on me now that I leave in 'clean' America. To the fact I'll meet all kinds of people - good people, bad people. People who'll make me laugh. People who might even exasperate me enough to make me cry!

Either way - I'm grateful for the opportunity. Sometimes I pinch myself because I would have never dreamt of this life – an opportunity to make a small difference in the world. While working out the details of each paint-stroke is painstaking at times, the overall picture is beautiful and exciting.

So watch out! Stories shall abound! Pictures shall be taken. And hopefully, I shall be consistent in capturing the emotions of the moment and penning them down in this space. More later!

Bureaucracy and delays

My trip to India is on hold. Indefinitely. Little did I know that I'd be learning the joys of Indian bureaucracy on this side of the ocean. Short story: still waiting on my visas to come in. Hoping that things will work out in a few short weeks! So, while I'm excited about the opportunity to do some public health work on the ground, this little pause has given me some much-needed time with family and to do some thinking and taking stock on where I am and where I've come from. Call it a mid-year resolution of sorts.

Some random ramblings in my head:

People! No matter where I came from, and where I go - people always come first! In the hustle/bustle of life (i.e. life as a full-time worker and graduate student, living away from family etc), I became less intentional in maintaining friendships. Would love to do better in this area. Actually, would love to learn how to love people well. Especially family. Those who know me best and that I care for the most.

Pipes and Flexibility: The American culture is very much a go-getter/I-can-do-all-things culture. We're constantly bombarded by where we need go, what we need to do, and how to get 'ahead' in life. Perhaps this is ubiquitous across many cultures, but never did I feel the pressure to achieve so much in life and have dreams to shoot for the moon, until I moved to America. Amazing, since you hear stories of folks with a bit of stoic will-power, who really can do anything that they put their mind to. Goals and dreams are good things to have. They give people (me?) much-needed structure for daily living (smile). That being said, flexibility, patience and the ability to sit still is a skill that I still am learning to practice.

Listen! While loving life, laughing myself silly, and simply living life to the fullest, I forget sometimes that sitting still is a good thing. Simply listen to the humdrum of life around you. What do you see? What do you hear? I lived in Boston for the past two years, and was pretty busy for the most part. However, I had my little thinking quiet spot - I call it my Carrie Bradshaw desk. It was my desk in my room overlooking my street, where I could see the neighbors' houses around me and and the Boston skyline in the horizon to my right. My space to think and reflect. While I love skylines of cities, I also love green and blue. Being in a small town at my mother's home. The simple rhythmic motion of my comfy reclining chair overlooking trees outside and blue Florida skies, while catching up on reading, often puts me in a reflective mood. Out of one of those reflections comes this age-old adage: Listen more. Do less. Talk less. Listening gives me the ability to learn. To learn about myself. To learn about others. To realize that dreams cannot live in pipes made of steel, but of things pliable and malleable. To learn how to take those dreams and goals from yesterday and have them fit into today with everything that Today can throw at you.

So, I leave you with this last bit of randomness - yes: I love people, live to the fullest and laugh often. BUT..I cannot do any of those things, without loving God first. Hmm...that's the next set of explosions that are happening in my head. What does it mean to know love God? What does it mean to know Him who is Absolute Truth in a relative world? (smile)

Of Partnerships.

How do I respond to the fact that many of our brothers and sisters live in poverty? Daily I read and listen to reports on some of most abject dehumanizing conditions that my fellow men live under and my heart breaks. War. Lack of basic human rights. Clean water. Basic primary health care. Good nutritious food. Lack of economic self-sufficiency.

As I reflect on this and ponder on how I may play a small role to mollify this, I am reminded of the basic premise of fundamental respect and partnership. Partnership is a simple and vitally important practice in international development, but one that has many facets and is difficult to achieve.

The word 'partnership' conjures up images of 'joining at the hip'. A relationship where no one person holds more power than the other. Where mutual respect and honesty is always at the forefront. Where no one is derided for their beliefs and background, however 'outlandish' they may be. 

I'm still a graduate student with very little experience in international health and development but the little that I do know tells me that most of us in this field enter into this field for altruistic reasons. We're driven by a nagging desire to be advocates for change. To part of the change that could somehow affect and touch another’s life.

Somewhere along that line (or perhaps even before long) we forget that in order to truly achieve change, we need to do this work with collaboration and partnership in mind. Understanding that we, as ‘international development experts’ do not have even 1% of the answers or the resources to make this change happen. We often study problems and have been trained to characterize issues and offer solutions within local contexts. However, how often do we draw up work plans for international projects and truly engage with local stakeholders before implementing our solutions? How can we honestly fly into another man’s land, and offer advice on problems on the ground?

Having worked in an organization where international health consultants fly all over the world to offer technical expertise to development and health projects, I have acquired a small taste of this world. It is quite disillusioning at times. As a graduate student, I am bright-eyed and eager to put some of my classroom learning to use. As a public health professional working alongside others who have worked in this for many more years than I have, I get the sense that some in this field have forgotten about partnership. True collaboration and respect. Where every stakeholder is considered an equal. In a world where titles get long, and egos get even longer, development is such a tricky word at times.  

Tomes have probably been written about this but I feel that international development – if not checked – can easily turn into a form of neocolonialism. It is worth examining ourselves every so often and reminding ourselves about the simple, and yet, powerful concept. Of partnership. 

Everything is amazing, nobody is happy!

Comedian Louis CK on the Conan O'Brien show. 

This is so true! (And funny as well!) 

Facebook Relationships

What is it about Facebook that has the world going crazy? I mean, I can understand it to an extent. People have no time and it's a great way to keep in touch with folks who live all over the world. I, for one, joined Facebook in college to save money on a banner ad for a fund-raising event that was being held by organization that I was involved with. I stayed on as more and more people from my former life in Kenya started appearing on the scene. People who lived all over the world, and who I could now keep in touch with and see their lives via photos etc. Awesome. Great.

So, what's the problem, you may ask? Well - Facebook has reduced friendships and relationships to a friendly poke and a two-line wall post. There were days where people visited each other. Then came phones era and people started calling. This reduced the need to interact with others face-to-face. Enter email. People started emailing each other - thereby eliminating the need to actually hear each others' voices. Then comes the world of Instant Messaging. Where conversations are held via acronymized sentences: 'it's g8', 'r u there' 'c u l8r'.

Into this already fast-paced-no-need-to-have-human-interactions world, enters Facebook. While comments and wall posts are great, I wonder - does it reduce the need to have real friendships? I have lots of friends at varying levels of intimacy. We all do. However, how many times have I tried to get to know someone beyond the 'good-laughs-good-times'? To actually make time to get to know people? To put up with a friends' cribbyness? Or is just easier to comment on a picture or a status update and simply shut the person out via clicking away from their profile after you're done?

Facebook and online social networking has opened up a whole new way of interacting others. But somehow I think it has also created a culture of not investing in the people right next to us. We tend to keep in touch with people far away, but not really find out who our next door neighbor is. And more so, it has created a culture of reducing friendships/relationships to a friendly 2-min stalk-fest. And that makes me think, this Facebook thing is overrated. :)